My Recovery From Addiction And The Darkness
74
Battling Addictions And Abuse:
You may have read some of my stories I have shared on my past such as abuse, rape and anorexia nervosa. In this poem I pour my entire life into one reflection. First came abuse, then suicide, followed by drug addiction, a vicious teen-age rape attack, more suicide, anorexia nervosa, and then finally a special victorious moment that set me free.
I am an open book, I have no shame in talking of my past, as I dearly hope it can help some-body else. I never believed I was strong, but yet found strength inside me I never knew was there. I look back to every-thing that has happened with no regrets, no pain, no remorse, as I have truly let them all go.
If unforgiveness, unbelief in yourself, or the events of your past has held you back, I want you to know that you too can achieve what I have achieved, if you believe. I will walk with you every step of the way in spirit and soul…..I am no better or more perfect than any-body else, I have just taken back from my life what was rightfully mine
Please watch the video of my life story at the end of this hub and let it touch your soul.
My Recovery
Eyes portraying inward fears,
Robbed of many child-hood years,
Longing for that special friend,
Hoping all the pain would end.
Desiring love to come my way,
Down upon my knees I prayed,
Battered, bruised, with fear inside,
Many, many tears I cried.
As teen-age years crept up fast,
I held on to my wretched past,
When rape came by to bruise my soul,
My spirit broke, I lost control.
Fighting demons, bound in my heart,
I watched my whole world fall apart,
Although the speed ran through my veins,
It only served to mask the pain.
Although I tried to end my sorrow,
There always came a new tomorrow.
If I could not change the wretch inside,
Then I’d mold and shape the girl out-side.
So then the weight began to pummel,
My life a mere darkened tunnel,
And then another blow came forward,
As I was committed to a mental ward.
I couldn’t breathe, nor eat nor think,
Or be understood by the ward’s top shrink.
Each day grew worse as the disease took hold,
Alone, afraid, my body cold.
Then one night an angel stood,
As my body hit the floor of wood.
As nurses worked to revive my heart so dear,
I watched above with shock and fear.
My eyes were opened as I looked down in regret,
I whispered, “My life isn’t finished yet.”
I realized then it was just insane,
That I had carried others shame.
Tears of light freely shed,
Over wasted years my soul had led.
I pictured those who stole my pride,
As I let forgiveness free inside.
No longer would I be victim of my past,
With precious life ticking by so fast.
With every bit of strength unrestrained,
I allowed myself to break the chains.
I vowed with all my heart and soul,
To give my spirit back full control.
To let the pain and hatred cease,
And live the life foretold to me.
From that day I now walk in pride,
With love and joy and faith inside.
Believe in miracles and you will see,
The truth and strength to set you free.
Live each day, don’t look behind,
Live in love, try to be kind.
Lift up your sword and shout in glee,
“In this world there’s no-one like me”.
Spiritual Healing
If your life has seen abuse, rape, unforgiveness, disease, addiction, suicide, anorexia, whatever it may be remember this:
‘For past the meadow, dark and grim,
Lies joy, hope, and peace in spring.
As butterflies, do spread their wings,
Love, again, will well within’.
© Blondepoet April 2010 Hubpages.
All rights and copyrights reserved for the author. Permission to reproduce any of this work must be granted by the author.
'Dedicated to Blake for all his support in my hubs'.
Reflections Of My Life And Recovery, A Video Made By Blondepoet
More Hubs On My Trials And Triumphs
- Surviving Anorexia Nervosa
'I fell to the floor, my skeletal frame smashing upon the hard ground. Seconds later, there I was looking down at my wasted body so tiny on the hospital bed.So many faces around me, panic, commotion, nurses... - Through The Eyes Of A Child
I never had the chance to be,the way a child should be,running through the school yard,with a heart so young and free.Instead I sat so quietly,no-one could understand,why I held my head so sadly,while they danced round hand in hand. - Goodbye To Rape And Hello To Love Again
I was only fourteen when they raped me. I was laying innocently with my boyfriend on the beach late one night. I should never have been there,NEVER.
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Blondepoet: I have goosebumps, the beauty of your soul just shines through! Your sharing, your poetry inspires everyone to overcome whatever personal demons we have. There is no one in this planet whether abused or not,that does not have something within to heal at some point in life; and stories of transcending the darkeness such as you did and emerging a butterly which you are now, contributes to helping others.
Loved your poem! Can't understand the video because I am hearing impaired, but looked at the images. Glad to have met you in Hubland.
Logic your words mean heaps to me, I cannot thank-you enough. You know I may procrastinate with so many things in my life at the moment, but when I start feeling down with myself I just look back over the last few years, I look at where I have come from, and if the strength and victory I achieved from coming out of all those things is all I will ever do, then that is enough for me. Love you heaps, you know that xo
Violet thank-you so much for your beautiful supportive comments, it means writing this all the worth-while. Do not worry too much about the sound from the video it was a song "When You Believe", I think the pics told the story. Glad to know such a beautiful person as yourself too :)
BP a moving and powerful poem and video. I hope your power and tenacity are passed on to those who may still be in the struggle. I add a thought from an old soldier, it is the hard days that make the good ones better, hope you see many good ones all the rest of your days, God Bless!!
BP what an excellent poem and video, so full of personal emotion. It's amazing how someone could go through so much in life and turn out the way you have. An absolute inspiration to so many. I have nothing but upmost admiration for you girl. Well done you.
Thanks so much Hmrjmr1 I agree with you 100%, when you have experienced the hardest of all, it makes you appreciate life so much more. I really appreciate your support. :)
Hey there Super Chef thanks a million you put a smile on my dial, I am beaming like a light-house. :)
A lot of strength is needed to live these things and going on. And even more to talk openly about them to help others. I'm honored to know someone like you. Rated and obviously stumbled.
And thanks, you know why.:)
Thanks so much hypnodude that means a lot, it really does. Honored to know you too :) :)
Can't thank you enough for sharing. I am saddened by all that you have had to endure. At the same time I am happy that you have survived and have had the courage and strength to rise above it all.
You are a courageous and beautiful soul with a heart as wide as the sea. I am so happy that our paths have crossed.
Your poem and video speaks volumes and will touch the lives of so many. You are an inspiration to so many people.
Hugs your way,
Sage
Glad to see you put out a new hub for us to peekaboo at last. Loving your heart felt pulse on the world of the inner child as always BP. Sorry not able to retort to all of your replies in the last few days...been quite busy. XOXO will chat it up with you in the next few hours a bit. Blake4d
P.S. love the double black on white image at the first of the article, like a psychological inkblot test or the like.
Thank-you Sage I just love reading your comments you send me, honestly your beautiful soul always shines through and you always make me feel wonderful xo
Hey there Blake great to see you. As promised I dedicated the hub for you, your support has been incredible with my work. You really make me feel like I am doing something really worthwhile, you always make me smile too xo
Aww BP, I am so touched somehow I overlooked that while watching your video editing montage. You are a muse beyond the call of the wild things in my dreams...Thanx a thousand fold, and know that you are doing things worthwhile. And you should always crack a smile, after a while crocodile. xoxo Your fool for a day, and shared lover of the thundering perfect mind...Blake4d
You are most talented Deb, and I have said that before. I loved the video and I still love you girl. I do hope you continue to overcome all things that try your soul. xox Charlie, your friend, still and alway
Very touching hub.
Thumbs up !
Thanks
You've risen phoenix-like. That is really incredible and praiseworthy.
I love you Blondepoet. You are a beautiful soul. Indeed you are a beautiful spirit. Everything about you takes me back hundreds of years to where I was alive and looking for the greatest treasures. You are a wonderful treasure!
Hey there Blake cracking a smile LMAO. I always am either smiling or laughing just can't help myself. I am going to google muse and see what that means. Reading your comments just broadens my smile wider almost as large as the Amazon river. :)
Aww thanks Ralwus you know it is great to see you as always it has been awhile that we have caught up, I still have your song on my PC, do you remember that lol? :)
Thanks a million CPA and for fanning me. I hope I won't disappoint you lol. :)
Thanks heaps Kieran so glad you came by. :)
Love you too Micky Dee wow you have been around a long long time. Hundreds of years wow!!! Always love to see you buddy, your comment means heaps. :)
Google muse, youll be smiling for sure...
I just googled it and believe me I am smiling. I will be a muse any-day. :) :) :)
There are a lot of people out there that have gone through the same things. Maybe if they could read your hubs they will see it was not their falt and you can over come a lot of it. Children should not have to be afraid. I was one of them too. Thank you for the hub
I really hope so Granny's House. I am so sorry to hear you were one of them too. :(
Yes we have to realize it wasn't us to blame and we should no longer wear the shame. :)
Beautiful words and images, Blondepoet! I am so very sorry that you've had to endure so much; abuse of all kinds seems so pervasive.
Your recovery is a thing to behold.
Thanks so much Lorlie, I am so lucky to be alive, or I wouldn't be here with you guys. You are the bees knees Lorlie. xo
beautiful share blondepoet, and I admire you for what you are now. You are a survivor and indeed your life is a good example to others, You always shine and you have a depth that is a good potential for a great writer plus your poetry always touches me, Thank you, Maita
Gee thanks Pretty and when your beautiful smiling face comes by I cannot help but smile. Love u heaps. xo
Wow...
You've left me speechless and in awe once again, BP. Your strength and courage just to write this article shows character and provides inspiration for us all. (muah)
Really inspirational hub to any addict and a great video, tis an honour to be your friend, loves you loads Debs xox
Aww thanks Dre for a inspiring and encouraging comment. I bet it is not often you are speechless. Love ya. xo
Hey there TG tis a honor to be your friend too, love you even more. xo
See doesn't it feel good to be writing again BP...Hub 41 and onward. Hurrah!!!!!
Mon cherie mademoiselle poetess...
I literally cried reading your story, your poem, watching the video. Do not be fooled by those tears, my friend. They were tears of happiness because you dared to get up and start all over again. Your spirit shone brightly, and your God given right to be happy, rose above darkness! Be blessed, dear friend! Be blessed always and never look back, except to remind yourself the path you'd never tread again.
Rated up, Bookmarked and Stumbled!
Warmest regards and infinite eternal blessings, mate,
Your friend,
Al
Yahoo Blake, I do spit them out every few weeks, I just battle with procrastination, painting toe-nails, talking to you guys, playing wow, blah blah lol. :)
Oh Mystique thanks a million, I have just staggered out of bed, early morn here in Australia, and you have given me a spark for my day. Thanks so much for your kind words. :)
I read the verses and was amazed!
And although natural to be raged!
How easily you controlled yourself!
And now it would be of other’s help!
Thanks blondepoet for the great poem!
You nailed this subject matter with honesty and personal accountability . great poem and good job life story's are important i think . some frown on it as being to revealing . i praise it as being moral story telling.
Cupid you are most welcome and thanks a million for leaving a great comment. :)
Hi there Aware yes I think I may have lost three fans over it, but I am not going to back down. It is what happened and I am not ashamed. Thanks a million my dear hubber friend. :)
Im So Glad I stumbled Upon This
Such power And
Truth In This Piece!
David Wayne
BP, I've only recently started reading you here having just joined the hub. your story is very moving. I have three kids entering the teen years (14m, 12 & 10f). I pray that they never have to endure what you have pulled yourself through. God bless you and keep you happy! you're quite a talented poet by the way. A real gift with the turning of a phrase.
Thank you very much for your honesty, and sharing your recovery. It is very inspiring.
B. Phillips
Im glad I have read this, and somewhat ashamed. I'm in my 50's and still struggling with demons. Your story helps me see that we all handle things differently. But thanks to your honesty and openess, those of us not so strong take hope from your journey.Thank you for sharing such grief and joy.
This is beautiful, your words really carried the emotion and it just touched my soul; I've been through circumstances that have led me down a path and the fact that I read this, today of all days, makes me believe.
Really, really wonderful hub. x
Thank-you so much Awful Poet I am so glad you popped in. :)
Thanks a million WE5, and a big welcome to Hubpages. I can see already you love your kids, that is a big certain they won't go through so many of these things. :)
Hi B.Phillips thank-you so much. :)
Hi GiGi thanks a million for sharing. It is never too late to change something if it is keeping you down. We all do it in our different time, normally when it is our time. :)
Thank-you Zac for sharing part of yourself too. I believe in you too. There is no mountain too high. :)
You are truly an inspiration to many who have felt the darker side of life. I admire how strong you are and what you have been able to overcome and grow from. This is an outstanding poem, I thank you very much for sharing it. My eyes are all teared up and I cant see anymore-but I will be bookmarking this poem :) Big Hugs to you, pretty lady. :)
You are such an amazing soul! What a wonderful inspiration for so many. I cried all the way through the poem and the video - but you know, at the end of it all, there were tears of happiness as well that a human spirit could bear so much and yet shine so brightly and with so much love. Hugs to you BP - you rock - you really do!
Blondepoet I just came across this heart wrenching post. So much of what your portray here was a dark shadow of gloom and doom growing up in the household I grew up in.Me and my five sisters were witness many nights to brutal attacks on my mother by the man in her life who was not our father. One of my sisters was sexually abused we found out later. Thank you for sharing this, so many people out there suffer dearly for the crimes of their parents. Great post and God bless you for sharing and surviving.
Blonde, you know my story and have many more, but yours does touch me maybe because its so emotional and visual. I cannot imagine how much work it took to combine once callenges that now give others hop, can't imagine how difficult that was to compile and then have it read with so much clarity. You are an inspiration to so many, I speak mostly from me
Thank you for sharing
You are making a difference
damn. mush again. Stop it i say
btw hope you don't mind but referred to you twice in my new hub, actually my only hub
lol
keep it coming super chick
love kim
Aww thanks so much H.C. I am sorry if it made you a little upset. You know there is a lot worse I left out, I thought it may be too much for some. I really appreciate your support. :)
Aww Shalini you beautiful woman you are. You know just having you guys come by and leaving such inspiring loving comments means the world to me. :)
Hi Saddle lovely to meet you. Even though I went through this myself, to hear someone else share their sad child-hood experiences, makes me feel so sad. I really am sorrowed to hear what you and your sisters endured. I really hope all you guys are ok now, and life has moved on for you all. :)
Hi dear Kimberley, I am so glad you came by here. You of all people know the darkness that sweeps over you in the hardest times of your life. Isn't it amazing as I draw strength from you, and feel this bond with you. Together we stand at the top of the mountain. I really do love you heaps. :) :) Your story always stays bright in my soul. :)xo
You are strong: you have that inward strength that sees you through things that would kill someone else.
I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you made it through. I hope you find that good place to be and can stay there forevermore.
You've suffered enough. You don't need to suffer anymore.
Thank-you so much Paradise that means a lot to me. Having such great positive people like you guys in my life what more could a girl ask for. xo
Your poem and video really touched me. I have tears coming down my cheeks. I have been through the sexual abuse, suicical, and same lonliness inside. I am still struggling with drug addiction. I hope to oneday overcome everything and become who I really am. Thank you so very much. Your poem was beautiful, and your video so ever I felt in my heart. I admire you for overcoming your battles. I will definitly be reading more. I love your work. I am stil crying, I just wish I could overcome my battles-especially my addiction....again Thank you Blondepoet :)
Hi Angel. I am truly sorrowed by what you have gone through too, and what you are still going through. Believe me I know how hard it is to stop. I used it as a way to escape the rut and hardness of facing each day, it somehow seemed easier to get through. However it only masks our pains, and ends up ruining our lives. Maybe your time has not come yet where you can walk away from it, but I promise you, your time will come, and I believe you will succeed, there is a strength inside every one of us, that is capable of pulling us through, once we see that rainbow on the other side.
i arrived at hub pages in a very depressed state, said just one fan please, and you were the first. I read every one of your hubs....... I wanted to be as good at writing as you, as funny as wordly wise kind etc etc...
My darling who would have ever imagined you suffered so much. I cannot believe it. My sister suffered and is no longer with us, tho we have her beautiful daughter amongst us still. God bless i love this song on your video, i am listening to it now. I am so glad you got through it all, looking forward to communicating with you more on here, how is Cindyvine??????????????
Aww poetlorraine I really was your first fan??? Omg I am truly honored. I never knew that. Omg your words have knocked me over, picked me up like you wouldn't believe. I truly appreciate every encouraging word you have said to me, you truly have made my day. Yes Cindy is doing well, I don't speak to her as often as I would like, but she is climbing mountains. xox
I had to return for another read. The brilliance you have shown on hubpages is inexpressible. You glow. I would never have known. There is too much sadness from violence. It is absolutely overwhelming! Every life out here is affected by the violence but the closer you are to it the affected you are. I wish Australia was where Georgia is. Thank you for tenderizing my heart a little more.
Aww Micky you are just too kind. I really appreciate you coming back, wow, you are amazing. Yes I wish I was way closer too. Darn the mileage. Love ya heaps Micky. xo
Hey BP trying to get your attenion while you are online tonight do ya hear me babydoll...you should check some of my new hubs, hope all is very very well as summer comes to Aussieland...Keep on Hubbing baby Blake4d
I was just sitting here thinking how special it is to have a hub that I can always look at, and dedicated to me. You know my mom has been reading your pages, the other day this one made her burst into tears, she told me how brave she felt you were to be public about your recovery. It was really sweet. Oh BP my far off muse. Sweet dreams,it is very late here. xoxoxo Blake4d
Hey Blake well I tried to get your attentions too but you had already gone I thought. I will come check out your hubs. Aww I am so glad you like the dedication you certainly deserve it Blake, and I am so wrapped your mum read this, oh but feel so bad it upset her. Send my love to her, your mum sounds absolutely wonderful Blake. Sweet dreams to you too my dear friend. xox
Sweet as sugar pie, just like always. Thanx BP. =)
No thank-you Blake xox
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself blondepoet - you display genuine courage and true grit. You have the heart of a warrior and the soul of a poet - I hope i'm like you when I grow up!
You mentioned an experience with an angel in your poem - if it's not too personal to ask, what did the angel say or look like? I've had my own experiences there and am always fascinated by others experiences :-)
Keep winning.
Aww thanks so much ilmdamaily for your support. Be like me when you grow up? LMAO how old do you think I am? I am still only a young one :)
Yes I saw an angel, I never saw a face but a body of white so distinctive I will never forget as long as I live. I knew it was something pure and holy, as I felt no fear just this incredible peace inside. :)
Great job!
Thanks heaps Figment :)
ello BP.. idzs judz smee an thee.nitnit
Thanks Wizard. :)
Hi BP. I'm so bummed. Your video is not working, so I went to youtube and it's not working there either. Still, your poem was especially powerful. I'm so happy you were able to put all this stuff behind you and moved into the fabulous person you are now. Thinking of you! Your friend, Chris
Hey Chris!!!! I just checked the video here on the page and on U Tube and both are working fine. Are you sure you pressed the play button LMAO!!!! Oh it is great to hear from you, I really miss our chats and all that. I am thinking of you too my dear friend. :) :)
Congratulations BP, the weight that none of us can carry is the shame of others and you expressed it so eloquently. You can't carry it and you can't get rid of it, you can only forgive and let that carry you through it. Nice to meet you.
Thankyou so much Winsome your words mean a lot. A pleasure to meet you too. :)
The forum is still there, I gave it to Lyrics ; ) x
That was a hard one. Years with someone who actually enjoyed wallowing in this kind of thing, and did all they could to make it worse. I raised Daughters. You're the type of woman I would show them could accomplish anything. I still point these things out to them. The older they get, the more they understand. Thank you for being so open. You're a hero.
Hey there MrDSpade lol if that is your only addiction well I say go for it, no harm in that one. Thanks heaps for coming by again. :)
Oh thanks TG I did try and get into it several times and it said it was down but I will keep trying. :)
Aww Devlin I can't thank you enough for such an uplifting comment. You have made my day. It was my pleasure to share my story to help anyone I can. :)
I found your book online BP, may even procure a copy in the future. Interesting to see...but I shall keep the secrets. Keep on hubbing. Blake4d
Hey Blake oh that is so cool. Secrets??? Not sure what you mean there. Keep on hubbing too. :)
Who is BP really, hahaha
B.P. Yep. The video is working for me now too. Must have just been down temporarily. Very powerful. You did a great job putting it together and editing it!
Oh Blake I am with you know, my real name, actually there are quite a few here that already know it and from FB, it is all good. I think from my hubs I have left little said lol :) :)
Oh Christoph that is a relief. I began to wonder what could be wrong. Thanks so much for coming back, it is just another good reason to say hi again to you. :)
I've only glossed some of your writing, but that video is powerful. You have overcome much, oh blonde one, and to give back after such heartache and pain is the ultimate gift...well done. I shall continue to follow you as your writing and gift-giving will only increase. Remember, that Marilyn, too, was often cast as bimbo...it's likely what broke her in the end so many decades ago. You have overcome what many of the famous and fortunate could not. Congrats and kudos to you. I look forward to reading, or viewing, more of your precious artistry.
Respectfully,
Rand
Thanks so much randslam your comment made me smile. It is a pleasure to meet you. You made the sun shine here today in Oz on this dark grey day, thanks heaps again. :)
Help BP you gotta come to the forum, the hub has been taken over and noone can help....
Yep, I know where to find your book. Am gonna download it soon here, probably do a book review for you. I joined ole Lulu thanx to finding you there, great little site. You rock my publsihing heart baby DM------------BP
Blake4d =)
hey girl, you know my deal, and from my perspective want to say thank you for keeping the awareness alive and sharing yourself to do so.
you have helped someone make no mistake. unfortunately most often we never do see those we touch but know you did
i thank you for this also
love ya
me.
Oh wow Blake am blushing. Oh Lulu is a great site, you can publish your own book or PDF, which later goes to Amazon for free. You just have to pay for royalties if a book sells or you order copies yourself. It is just bonza..D.M
Oh Prey your comment touched my heart with your words. It really does mean a lot to have some-one say that. :) :)
Absolutely breathtaking' "I will share this Hub with others" Thank you for your testimony. Bless the Lord!
Oh Coletta7 thanks so much for such an uplifting comment you left. :)
Love ya Deb :)
Oh my dear BP..this poem of yours truly touched me beyond words. I cannot even describe to you the sadness I feel and the respect I have for you to be able to pour it all out so beautifully. A lyrical masterpiece of pain....I am so proud of you for being able to get past the hurt and painful memories to make a better life..one without the abuse. We love you kiddo! **HUGS**
Love u too Mish I truly do. xo
Dear Pach you don't know how much that means to me coming from you my beautiful friend. Even I sometimes are amazed how far I have come from the wretch who existed from one day to another. I am so proud of my soft heart today and having u guys in my life even makes it better. xox
Once a warrior with purpose stood proud,
his back as strong as his resolve,
a shattered heart is all that's left
of a man who watched others bled.
Of righteousness there is none,
no political struggle,
no metal so precious.
It is this soul whom is worth
defense, I wish I could have preserved your innocence.
A fallen knight now mourns a cause lost
by another's wasted scorn.
No justice,
only release.
For you, and you alone BP.
This broke my heart, I am so glad that you are alive to show the world what real strength is. Thank you
Oh Trooper what a beautiful piece. Did you write that? I am so honored that you dedicated that to me, makes me feel a million dollars, what a gem you are. Thankyou so much my special dear friend from the US. xo
I wrote it a few minutes after reading your story/poem. All I could think; is that there is nothing that I have ever done as a soldier that was more worthy of defense than you and those that have shared your plight.
Awww Trooper I have to say it is absolutely beautiful thank-you so much I even came back this morning to read it again. It makes my heart sing,it is something I will treasure forever. When days are rocky I will always come back here. xoxox
WOW! You sure have been through a lot; this one nearly knocked me off my chair. I'm so happy that you found your truth, hang on to it. I could never know what it is like to go through some of the things you have - but I am a recovering heroin addict and drunk, and that was a hell that nearly killed me; and did kill at least two of my friends. Thanks for sharing, that took a lot of courage. I feel as if you had to have helped some by doing so; and I know you really gave me something.
Hi there Josh really nice to meet you. Yes I was a speed addict, I had a lot of friends on heroin as well, so I know the hell it is to stop and the world you live in while you are on it. A huge hug from me for recovering from this and alchohol. Thanks so much for your beautiful comment, by touching you it touches and encourages me. Have a wonderful day. :)
So many emotions are evoked here. I just kinda want to hug you and tell you how awesome you are.
You've lead a life full of passion, regardless of the darkness that resided without and within.
The last picture, caption, and video..just leaves a clean feeling of love and light. Thank you.
Truly speechless BP... you are an inspiration to all of us. You went to hell and back, and you made it through. I'm glad to see that. Whenever I get down, I'll think of your hardships and battle through. I hope you continue to grow from these horrors, as hard as it may seem. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Hi dear Ixxy, wow it has been awhile. Thanks a million for your encouragement and love not to mention the big hug, which I gladly receive. I guess anyone that meets me would never guess what lays behind and that makes me so chuffed. xox
Hey there mrpopo aww you are so kind,u gave me a huge smile this morning with your kindness. Do not worry I will not let you down, each day sees more and more love, passion, humor, healing, without sounding modest, it makes me feel so so good that I got not only through this, but have become the total opposite, with a heart so soft and tender, and a cheekiness to share with you guys. xo
the video was beautiful (and sad)...I have tears in my eyes right now.
Aww thank-you so much Enlydia I am sorry I made you cry, I hope they are tears of joy. Thank you so much for coming by. :)
Hi BP, you truly are a beautiful person, from the inside out.
Aww thankyou Justine that means a lot. :)
This hub is a work of boldness and beauty. I voted this hub both beautiful and awesome because that's what it is.
Aww Rookie your gorgeous comment has put a smile and spark on my day. Love you guys. :)
Thank you for being so vulnerable and thank you for sharing a very difficult part of your life with us. I know all too well the power of addiction and how treacherous the road can be on the way back to staying clean. This hub is awesome! stay strong Blondie! Love, Writer45
Hiya writer45 wow what a lovely and inspiring comment you left for me. You made my day. I will stay strong, you have my word. Have a top day. :)
Powerful, sad, uplifting - all rolled into one! Great job!
Aww thanks Habee I am so happy you came by. :)
Here i am again, listening to the song you chose, and gaining strength from your strength. Always a pleasure. Love Brenda. Yes you were my first fan, i will never forget.
Oh Joy I just adored your beautiful comment I am so happy to have been your first fan and to impart strength. Have a beautiful day my friend. :)
awesome, of course, congrats and you did it, How are you blonde, miss ya, Maita
Hey there Pretty wow about time we caught up. Missed you too you beautiful thing. You are as dazzling as ever. :)
blondepoet, Thank you so much for the gift of hope, love and truth you've given to so many. I loved the story, the poem, which I hear as a song, the video, love Love LOVE it ALL! It makes me think of the quote that is currently on my laptop screensaver, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us" Ralph Waldo Emerson. May what lies within you be at peace and empowered to continue on with your gift to the world. Peace :)
BP, (((Big Hugs))) you will always be my friend and I am glad you are free! You are right God is not done with you yet. :)
Blonde Poet you astound me! Your ability to communicate heart-to-heart is undoubtedly your greatest gift. You're using it well here and, I suspect, it will be used to even greater effect in the future.
Are you a speaker? I mean, do you do any public speaking? I'm into both writing and speaking; the two go hand-in-hand. Personally, I think you could very easily become another Louise L Hay or similar, should that be your desire.
thankyou for sharing your story its ver inspiering im in recovery as well i know how diffuclt it can be at times your story realy touched me
Hi Katie, wow, what a beautiful beautiful comment you left for me to read.I receive it with a very grateful heart. Thankyou. xo
Hi AE, wow yet another surprise. Great to see you. You guys have put a sparkle in my day. xo
Hi Tom you know I am not a public speaker but it is something I really want to do, just a little scared on my ability to do it. I would love to speak to kids at schools on anorexia and body image and to other people to inspire their lives just not sure how to start.
Hi Jasper so glad you came by. I wish you all the strength in the world to reach the place you want to be. If I can do it, I know you can too. Send you my love on this day.
Heart wrenching and beautiful. Thanks for your honesty and courage. Your an inspiration!
Hi Minnetonka thank-you so much I really appreciate your beautiful comment. :)
aloha bp; by the gods, i was wondering about you, been so long since i saw anything new so i came by to read the comments of last hub hoping to see some life here and sure enough there is :D am so happy to see you are busy as ever, aren't hubs great :D love yas ~aloha~
I saw that you got to see you mum on the fave guys forum. Hope you had a excellent time with her.
I also saw that you did not mention me at all. Well...I just don't know what to say. LOL. Love you BP. Blake4d
Oh hey Sage what a lovely surprise. I am wrapped to think you came by to see how I was doing. I got a huge smile on my dial because of you, my dear friend.
Hey Blake I am sorry I have been slack, havent been checking mail for over a week, so so all over the place LMAO. I may not have mentioned you but....that does not mean I did not think of you....something for you to chew on ROFL. xo
Grrrrr....chew toy please miss. Grrrrr....I said, chew toy please. LOL...ROFL...LOL. Keep on Hubbing BP. Blake4d
Hey Blake chew toy? Okie doke. Grrrr ruff ruff, BP spits it out. Not tasty, me prefer to chew on something else I do declare. Keep on hubbing too Blake or I will come get you lol.
Blondepoet reading your hub and poem, watching the video left me speechless. You show such courage for sharing your pain and truly are an inspiration and living proof that anyone can if only they believe.
Thank you so so much Karanda for your beautiful comment, it has lifted my day. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, thanks so very much. :)
Your story is so strong and brave in the face of incredible odds. When someone asks, will it ever be okay, there is an answer. I can send them here. You have a beautiful soul and I'm so glad you are here!
Grrr...
Oh Silver thanks so much for such kind words. I am wrapped I could be an inspiration for others. You really are so lovely. :)
Hey Blake wooofffff growl yodel. What's up LMAO, you have a croaky throat. I will order in some medicine lol.
I am not sure medication is going to cure Blake4d miss blondepoetess. I am a personal friend of the gentleman and I think what he has is more contagious than curable. To quote something he once told me, "I am not the plague, I am just a carrier..." ...I guess an inoculation might not hurt, what do you think? LOL
BB16
PS
I love this hub you dedicated to Blake4d. What an honor.
Hey there Bib is he sick,oh gosh. Love the guy to death.Heck I will be there with my nurse bag in a instant lol. I think Blake is a wonderful warm hearted guy, a friend of his is a friend of mine. Thanks a million for stopping by. :) You rock Bibi with a name like that :)
i love this
i love you
i love the bond we share by just being in recovery
i love your honesty
i love you spreading awareness to help others
i love you are alive and safe
i love you are physically and mentally healing everyday
i love you, like me, can laugh at yourself and with others
i love you courage, strength and hope
by the grace of God i love the miracles that are coming to you if you stay clean and feel your spirituality
i love your hilarious,
i love your ability to share deep challenges while maintaining a sense of hope
and would love that your hope lye within the ability to start to trust
i admire, respect, relate, understand am proud, follow, and laugh with you
i love you
ODAAT
have a safe 24
xo
Oh dear dear Kimberley you got me with tears in my eyes after reading what you wrote for me. It is so amazing even though our lives make it hard to talk together,that bond is always there between us.Truly that has to be the nicest thing anyone has written for me, you have truly touched my heart yet once again. I love you so much.
It's no surprise Blondepoet that you have so many readers for your poems - your words have iron inside them and they cut like flint, opening the hearts of others to their feelings through yours so they can know what you know - thank you - you display such a compelling combination of characteristics; strength of belief and purpose, refusal to give up on who you know you are and yet and most captivating of all, your heart is clearly full of love. What a combination. No wonder you shine, even without a hand being touched! Wow!
Oh amorea13 I am touched by your beautiful comments that made my day. I feel so honored to have met you, proud to be your fan too. Wow people like you make me shine even more.
Hi blondepoet you may remember me from my other account ruanz3. Long time no see :) This hub touched me deeply, to the point of tears.
You have also basically stolen my heart with this. You are one of the most beautiful and inspiring woman i have ever met in any form.
Much love
Ru-an
Omg Your Knowledge I was sure I knew you. I do remember. Wow. How could I forget such a handsome face as yours. Oh your comments were so beautiful. They touched my heart on such a rainy day as this. Much love back to you too. xo
:D Ive been through so much pain and depression myself, sexual abuse, etc. Although im sure not as bad as you. The worst was probably having a nervous breakdown. Anyway i never had that one kind of epiphany moment where things turned around. I always hear of people having such a moment but it never happened to me. I guess its a process for me, yet i still spend too much time still thinking about the past and regretting. Its like a kind of obsession. But at least the serious depression, panic attacks and suicidal thoughts are gone and im grateful for that. Thanks for your inspiration.
Love.
Hi Your Knowledge gee I am saddened greatly to hear that you too have had so much happen to you. It really was a process for me too, it just didn't suddenly change one day, I had had enough suffering, enough anger, enough suicidal thoughts and actions, I just decided enough was enough as I deserved more in life. As it is for you my dear friend, why should you suffer anymore for things done to you beyond your control.I believe in you, you can be free, in your time. I really wish this for you. These things that have happened to us only make us that much stronger inside and unite us both. I send my love to you.
Blondepoet: I am truly speechless by this poem. Your spirit, the depth of true feelings and triumphant recovery.
May your source continue to guide you, surround you with his bright light and pour is love and grace to you, each and everyday. Grace and Peace to you!! Cheri
You can call me Ru-an btw ;) Yeah its a process, but you kind of had that out of body experience which is what i was referring to. Where it gets tough is when you realize what you missed out on. Every time i see a happy couple together or just young people having fun it reminds me what i have missed. Now im already past 30, i dont look the way i used, im even losing some hair. It just feels like i can never go back and have the things i missed. How did you deal with that? xo
Cheri thank-you so much for your wonderful words. I am so glad you came by to read my story. People like you inspire me on a daily basis. Have a wonderful day.
Oh Ruan you deserve all that and more. As I mentioned before I am so surprised that you do not have that. Then again I had a love so great it took my breath away and then I lost it. I wrote all about it in my hub 'Love Is More Intoxicating Than Wine.'I wish I knew the answer to your question, I wish I had that love now to compare it too but sadly I am still searching too.
I will check out your hub, but surprised you havent found it either. But dont be sad that you are searching. From what i can see from your hubs you are both incredibly beautiful inside and out. And dont you forget that! Its just a matter of time...
Btw i hope you dont mind me asking but that blond in the pic is you right? Shes got something in her eyes lol..
Yes Ruan. Gee thanks so much for all your support, I am so glad you read this one. If I can get past this it shows anyone can as I am no better than anyone. Gee I am so glad I am not wearing a hat right now or my head would explode LMAO. You really are so sweet thank you so so much.
Lol. But you really have very beautiful, hypnotizing eyes... You are brave for making these hubs. I dont think i would be brave enough to share my story with the whole world. Maybe i will just make a hub about my battle with depression, panic attacks, and nervous breakdown. Maybe it will be therapeutic or something xo
Hi Ruan wow it is funny that you say that as many many people comment on my eyes. I guess they are eyes that have seen a lot and kind of say what I am thinking. Omg I think writing your story would be a wonderful theraputic idea. Oh you must. I will be there right behind you. I found writing mine has helped me 100%. Please let me know if you do publish one I really would love to hear your story. I send love your way. :)
Ok cool its a deal. Im not nearly the writer you are but i will do this my own way ;) I look forward to sharing this with you!
You do it any way you feel to do it. I send a huge cyber hug to you for having the bravery and strength to do it. I am right behind you all way.
This is proving to be harder than I thought. Being reminded of my past is not fun :(
Oh do keep at it YK I found writing mine stirred up many old memories but the rewards from doing it far exceeded the pitfalls. :)
Ok i will try to finish it. Thanks for the comment on my hub. You know i hardly follow any of those tips lol. I dont try to find love. I just work on myself and hopefully it will come some time. I hope you are doing really well xo
Wow i just went back to my hub and lost all my work. I hate it when that happens. I dont think its worth it to do it all over again. Damn. I really wanted to do this.
Have just been to read your story, I am so so proud of you.Just think just by writing your story it will help someone else and be an inspiration to them. It was for me.My heart goes out to you.....HUGS!! You are far stronger Ruanz than what you believe love u heaps.
Ru-an! Lol!
Oh dang Ruan so sorry LMAO I got it down pat now. :)
Just read this again blondepoet, its so raw and gut-wrenching and then, so beautiful. I believe that those who suffer deeply are able to give deeply, feel deeply - and move others, deeply.
Oh brightforyou thank you for coming back. Wow I really believe that what you said. I feel incredibly deeply about things, love, life, living. Thank you for summing it all up. :)
One thing i dont get is how you achieved everything in life you did with everything youve been through. Did this all happen afterwards or were you just that talented? I havent achieved a single god damn thing in my life. What i went through destroyed all self-confidence, discipline and belief i had. I have falied in everything i have attempted, including relationships.
Oh Ruan so sorry I have taken so long to get back. I have been working full time around the clock and I am just exhausted like a blue ass fly. Oh boy I haven't really achieved all I want to achieve. The things I have done I have had to really push myself to do. Relationships failing yes been through heaps.
This is such a powerful and moving hub. Gosh, I was mesmerised that you can talk about this so well, despite the life you have had. Life hasn't beaten you down, rather you have bounced back and proved that you can overcome such things. Respect!! And hugs!
Oh yes, I am rating this via Facebook, other people should know about this great hub too!
Oh thanks a million Cheeky Girl. You know your beautiful comments are 100% inspiring, this one has given me a huge lift to my day. Love u heaps. xo
I couldnt push myself because when youre depressed you burn out easily and it brought on panic attacks and stuff. Its like pushing yourself when you are sick. Depression and panic attacks are mental illnesses after all.
Good morn ru-an, I guess I meant I push myself constantly to be optimistic and positive. I have started so many things and never finished them, so I guess I got to push myself there too. Being in such a dark place once I constantly look for the bright things in life as I never want to go there again. Miss talking to you I have been flat strap, plus I have to download messenger again. Aghhhh love u heaps.xo
Exactly. I hardly ever finished something i started and then it becomes like a pattern. Anyway im not going to allow that to stand in my way. I will eventually finish what i started. Miss you too. Thought about buying a headset but wasnt sure if you wanted to talk again. And you first have to get webcam too ;) Love you too.
Wow a lot in commen hey Ru-an...woops back in tic door knock
Back again for 5 lol. Headsets are great. Me talk lol, I always want to talk, just havent been here your time to do it. Am sick today with the flu sniff, colds really suck. Big hugs to you. xo
Oh im sorry to hear that. Hope you are feeling better now. Hugs :)
Hey there Ru-an you are such a sweety. Yes on the road to mending slowly, thanks so much for sending your love. :)
Well here are some more love to help you mend faster *cuddles* :)
Thanx heaps Ru-an xox
Beautiful poem. I read alot of poetry her on hubpages, yet these seem to resonate more with me. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks A.A what a lovely comment. Yes I try to keep them simple and from the heart.
This is just so moving and I had difficulty reading some bits. You have clearly been through a lot. I am amazed that you have the courage to not only face these things but also be so upfront about the whole thing, and telling it to the world. That takes courage. You deserve a medal for writing this. I loved the video and the lovely music too. Such a life you have had. My troubles are nothing compared to what you have lived through.
Just glad to be a follower and reading these great hubs. Thank you.
Oh thank you so much dear Astra. Your beautiful comments made me smile so wide, and gave me a burst of sunshine inside. I am so proud to have such a beautiful follower such as you. Hugs and kisses. xo
Anything we create that's gona be of any use to us needs testing, the same is true of Gods people and i think jesus wants you for a sunbeam, for you to be able to laugh these days and leave the past behind makes you great.
I've done a bit in my time and i can tell your spirit is immense, you've been tested well.
Like a peice of rock chiped away at until it reveals a beautifull sculpture.
Like a rally car in pre production testing beaten and smashed until it ends up an unbreakable world champion.
Belive it or not i can match you on some of your past BP,
thinking about it is very dangerous for me and more so for others, i've got God pulling one way and the Devil pulling the other at the same time, keep rolling BP..
Oh Peter what a beautiful comment. Thanx so very much. It really touched me heart and I hope all is true as you say. Have a fabulous day.
It's a long way down here. I wish I could have ridden my bike. I'm a bit winded. My fingers are very tired. I can hardly hit your buttons. Of course to hit them -I'll have to climb way back up there! Is Australia still way down there in the Spacific Ocean? I love a blondepoet!
Micky you can hit my buttons any-day I can tell you. Oh pedal harder, harder you just got to get here. Oh I a love a Micky too. xo
The issues you've written of here are timeless. What we need to know is that with help, good help, we will overcome!
Thanks, Blonde.
The poem and video brought tears to my eyes. I can SO relate to just about everything you wrote- the pain and the joy. I can't wait to read some more of your hubs. Thank you for sharing this :0)
Oh Lorlie hiya buddy. Long time. That means a lot coming from you. Love ya. xoxoxox
Dear Jamie it was a pleasure, thank you for your beautiful comment xoxo
Hi blondepoet,
I'm very impressed by this work. As I see you in the forums, you are very confident and show no signs of your past, at least to me.
It was really touching and heartwrenching to read, beautiuflly done and put together, esp the video. Very creative, (lol) I'm not good at making videos!
Your story is very inspiring, I've gone thru very similar things and it really inspires me to keep going forward and on and on.
Kudos is all I can say...beautiful.
Hiya Blondy wow the resemblance to Pamela is striking lolol. Thanks a million for your great comment, yes I have truly moved past my past and am a very different person now. Big hugs xox
Thank you so much blondepoet ;) I've always admired Pamela's beauty LOL
me too pams out there doin it.No you not BP xox P:-)
Blondey I have too. She certainly knows how to turn heads x
Hey there Boo thanks a million for stopping by :)
From darkness to light comes a shining light for the rest of the world to look to. What a wonderful way to tell it to others so that we see and understand the pain and the glory. Very, very nicely written and presented. Best of luck always.
Hi blondepoet,
How are you? Thank your for having the guts to put your life out there like that. You are truly an inspiration. I just came across your hub and read it, watched the video, and I'm very, very touched. I am looking forward to reading more of your hubs which I'm going to do shortly.
There are so many nice comments have been made by people that it's really hard to say something that hasn't already been said, but I can't NOT say anything. You are awesome and it is great that you were/are brave enough to put everything out there. I'm really glad that it was so well-taken. You are a beautiful person, a lovely daughter (I have twin daughters who are 8 and would not know how to handle it if something like that happened to them!). I wish I could give you a mommy hug now and back then and that I could've been there to tell you it will all be okay and we'd get through it together, I'd be by your side every step of the way. That darling that we'll get those bastards and they will suffer.
Thank God they got caught.
I am so glad to have found you here and hope that we can talk more. You seem like a really cool person who has a lot of wisdom and knowledge. I don't know how old you are, but you seem wise beyond your years.
Well, I've got three 8 year old girls talking to me now so I must go so I don't sound completely distracted.
Take care and I hope you always stay positive and forgiving. Peace be with you and God Bless. : ) I'm so happy that you were able to overcome and look at the positive side of life. That's awesome. Love to you.
Dear Malonge thank you so much I really appreciated your beautiful comments thank you again. x
Dear ErinElise wow when I read your comments it made me smile with a smile longer than the Equator....big hugs to you.. and may your girls grow up in grace, happiness and peace...thank you so very much xx
Wow. There are no words to express how courageous this is. I don't know what to say except wow.
Just you popping by to read this is enough thank you heaps mifarns :)
Very inspirational! Thanks for sharing this, I enjoyed reading about your strength, love and perseverance. I think it will inspire many.
Aww big hugs Dave much appreciated. You know whats great is everytime I fall now I know I can get back up xx
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logic,commonsense Level 2 Commenter 2 years ago
It is not what you once where, but what you are now. I read what you write and I am in awe of the beauty and depth of the powerful images you present. I have started reading your other hubs over again and I am just swept away by not just the words that are written but by the richness of how it is written and the passion, the strength, the perseverance and determination.
I know we banter in the forums, but I have never met one that has left me at a loss for words as your writing does!
What you have gone through and what you have left behind, and how you dealt with it can only be a beacon of light and inspiration for those who have or are facing similar circumstances. I am honored to know you and thank you for sharing the powerful stories, pictures and videos!