Surviving Anorexia Nervosa
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'I fell to the floor, my skeletal frame smashing upon the hard ground. Seconds later, there I was looking down at my wasted body destroyed by anorexia nervosa, so tiny on the hospital bed.
So many faces around me, panic, commotion, nurses trying to bring me back.
Fear instantly hit my heart, immobilised I stared at my lifeless form.
"Please God I don't want to die", I whispered. I knew at that point I had never in my whole life wanted to live so badly.' My anorexia nervosa would rule me no-more.
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The Beginning Of Obsession With Food The Beginning Of Anorexia
At the age of sixteen, I made the decision I just had to lose weight. I was not overweight in the slightest I was a normal healthy build but at that particular time I never realised that.
For the previous years prior to making this decision, my self esteem had steadily deteriorated. My teenage years were not a happy time for me, stemming back from my childhood years,especially with the poor relationship I had with my mother.
'She walked out on my father when I was 14.'
Looking in the mirror I totally despised what I saw, my whole outlook on myself was distorted, and I decided by losing some weight, I would feel better about myself and my life would be so much more happier, fixing all the hurts I had inside. Hence the beginning of an obsession with food.
At first I began to eat two diet biscuits for breakfast, two more at lunch and a very small dinner at night. After a few more weeks went by, I kept my morning and lunch routine as it was and dropped my dinner all together. As I saw the weight slowly melting off, it spurred me to new levels of starvation, so pleased with my achievements
Within a month or so I was hardly eating at all, still not content with my weight loss, I just could not 'see' in the mirror what my family saw, something they just could not understand. I looked at myself and still I saw the girl I once was. It just wasn't enough weight for me to be happy at all. The beginning of anorexia nervosa.
'My moods crept steadily downhill at the same time, withdrawing myself from my family and friends.'
My family were becoming increasingly worried with my plummeting weight, trying all sorts of tactics to encourage me to eat, but there was nothing they could do. In their hearts hopelessness began to embed its roots,no-one knew what to do or say. Not a lot was known then as it is today,and that contributed strongly for the huge lack of understanding this crippling disease known as anorexia nervosia.
Treatment
I was a horrible mess inside, as a deep depression consumed my mind and soul, a crying of my heart, that I kept deep inside.
I ran out of excuses as to why I no longer ate,no explanations for any food obsessions. I had no answers to give. I did not understand this mounting obsession with food that grew inside me, that continued eating flesh away from my bones.
'I was locked inside this sickness,an obsession that strangled me so tight, that I was indeed a prisoner to myself and my disease. '
One night in a pool of lost hope and dreams, with no light ahead, I overdosed on sleeping tablets, and lay down upon my bed staring at the walls til unconsciousness hit.
I awoke the next morning in a strange bed,and I quickly realised exactly where I was.My father had not been able to wake me that morning, so he had rushed me to emergency, and here I now was, feeling like crap but still alive.
After many questions from the staff, probing for answers I simply did not know,they debated what to do with me. A anorexia nervosa patient however has a mixture of physical and emotional symptoms, doctors feel to treat the emotional side first. Off I was escorted to the one building I always feared.
'So began my stay at the psychiatric ward.'
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Death Begin To Creep Upon Me As Anorexia Strangled My Body
I hated being there.All around me there were patients with severe mental imbalances, as screams filled the night air, only silencing when restraints were used to silence them.
I felt out of place as I was a girl with a eating disorder, and I felt I didn't deserve to be in such a grim place. Each day I was given strong doses of medication,which bombed my mind to the point I couldn't even think no more.
'I was a walking zombie, losing reality further and further'
I was now skin and bones,and my body was so weak I was barely able to move.Yet still I saw the girl I had once been in the mirror,the girl who needed to lose weight. My eyes blind to my pathetic appearance.
I then decided I no longer would eat at all. If I starved myself completely I was bound to reach my ideal weight.Each night I drenched my pillowcase in tears,my body weak, my world so dark. My only friend was my disease Anorexia Nervosa.
I Fell To The Floor As The End Came Near.........
My father had come to visit.I was slowly stumbling back to my room, carrying a bunch of flowers, determined I could make the short walk. Hence my out of body experience. As I watched myself above fighting to stay alive,fear gripped my heart in huge knots, I could not believe what I was seeing.
"God if you are there please save me . At that split second with the loom of death staring me straight right in the eyes I realised I wanted so desperately to live again.This was not what I wanted at all.I opened my eyes and the resuscitation upon my body ceased. I cursed my anorexia to the hills'. "Bring me some toast", I whispered.
Available Help And Help Understanding This Disease
- Eating Disorder Treatment and Recovery: Help for Anorexia and Bulimia
Guide to eating disorder treatment and recovery, including self-help advice, healthy eating tips, and relapse prevention. - Anorexia Help
Are You Looking for Anorexia Help? Help is here. - Depression in Adults | PS-Counselling
Depression,eating disorders can interfere with relationships, work, and study, causing enormous distress to the individual. Don't suffer it alone. - Mental health difficulties - Eating disorders - Find - ReachOut Australia
Information on anorexia and great advice on where to seek help. - Symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa & Bulimia
SYMPTOMS OF ANOREXIA NERVOSA & BULIMIA - The progressive symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia are based on the most often repeated experiences of those with Anorexia and Bulimia.
The Road To Recovery
'Although a struggle, from that point on my sheer determination and inner strength pulled me out slowly to slowly regain my health.To once live again as I was destined to be. Free of anorexia nervosa for good. Joyful. Happy!'
'Let me tell you something starving yourself presents you with two options' :
1. If you starve yourself, then at some point begin to eat again, you will regain your weight more in fat tissue,as starving yourself eats away your muscle
2. If you starve yourself and don't stop you will die.'
'If you feel yourself slipping out of control seek help quickly'.
'Let me tell you its a dark, hungry hole to live and battle anorexia daily. It will rot your teeth,make you lose your hair,it wreck your internal organs,make you grow body hair,lose contact with the world,possibly lose your life.It is unthinkable to let your life slip away like that.You are a child of God destined to run free upon this earth,and be all you can be.'
Each day has mountains, each day has highs, but with my legs to carry me up-hill ,I will forever climb and never look back. I have found the road that has set my soul free.
© Deb Murray 2009
Anorexia What Is It ?
Please Feel Free To Leave Your CommentsLoading...
KCC is right. Incredible. Your poem tells a story in itself, but with your story, it's amazing. Thank you for sharing your story.
thanks Kcc for your lovely words.I wanted young girls to know who have this disease that there is a strength and will inside so powerful, you dont have to suffer it nomore.Living and to be healthy is the ultimate way to go,all you do by falling prey to anorexia is begin a journey which often ends with death.Noone wants that
Thankyou Proud Mum I feel great I shared this story.It's a story I have never told.Im glad I did
I believe there is healing in writing. After reading your poem, I would guess that you think the same.
We're very glad you wrote it, as well. Welcome to Hub Pages!
Your opinion meant a lot thanks again.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey with us in such a beautiful way. Yours is a powerful story and others have commented on how much you have to give others. I'm so glad you decided to live--and write--and come to Hubpages. Welcome home:-)
This is a gripping story from inside the horror of anorexia. It surely can help young women and men to avoid its terrors.
Thmbs up!
Thankyou robie2 I am so glad to be here too.I have so many stories to tell inside my head just bursting to come out.I have had such an eventful life.
Hi Patty thanks for coming by your comment meant a lot to me.Yes Anorexia is horrific once you let it get hold of you it is extrememly hard to escape but there is hope in everything.
I'm glad you had the strength to grab your second chance at life. I'm sure you stories can help others live.
I am glad you have found your way back to good health - it shows a real strength of character. If you can overcome something like that, the world is your oyster.
Hi blondepoet, I am actually very quiet after reading your hub. There is this part of me that feels like crying over the anguish, pain and turmoil you went through; but the larger part of me is just bubbling with joy that you made it into the light. I feel so much of God's love and your decision to love yourself again...what a beautiful journey! And one that truly inspires many. Thank you for deciding to share your story with us. God bless you.
Congratulations for being part of the hubnuggets this week! Click this link as Funride explains more...http://hubpages.com/hub/hubnuggets-feb20-2009
Ask everyone you know to vote so your story can be shared to many and be blessed by it. Have a great weekend.
--Michelle
Oh wow, look at you Blondepoet! You made it into the JubNuggets! Way to go! Everyone needs to go vote!
You meant HubNuggets, I'm sure, kcc. Some of us are so excited that we just lose control. I do it very often.
Again, congratulations
Rochelle thankyou so much for your support I really hope it can help others too, there is always hope in everything, always.
Thanks Nermal for stopping by I value your comment greatly
Hi Ripplemaker wow thanks heaps for all you said.I clicked on the link you sent me and I was so excited I nearly fell off my chair to see I made the top ten.Wow this is just the greatest news today.To me it means my story has meant a lot, and I did not write in vain.
KCC wow I am sooooo excited. This is just fantastic.Thanks for dropping by I laughed also when you said Jub nuggets,haha, I thought to myself is Jub related to Hub.That made my afternoon also. Thanks for everything, it feels so nice for that people have been inspired by my story.
The story you told could never be in vain! It is very moving. I am glad you found your way out!
Thanks k@ri,so am I. If I can do it anyone can that's for sure
A close friend went through this in 6th grade. She spent two years in the children's hospital. It was a long road for her, and those of us who were friends with her stood by her side, wondering what we could do to help. I'm glad you came through it stronger. She did, too.
Hi KT wow another success story.I am so glad. It is not easy to look on. She is so blesses to have had you guys stick by her side that really helps even though it doesnt seem like it at the time.Thanks for sharing that story.
REALLY NICE SHARE...AND THANK YOU...I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THAT IS....I STARTED THAT WAY AND WHEN 16 CAME ALONG IT WAS JUST OUT OF HAbIT. EATING WASN'T A PRIORITY FOR ME AND I WAS TOO DEPRESSED TO DO ANYTHING bUT SLEEP. I WENT FROM 105 TO 76 LbS AND WHEN I GAINED IT ALL bACK I FELT SO RELEIVED. I STARTED YOGA AND DRINKING WHEAT GRASS...IT CHANGED MY LIFE. I STILL STRUGGLE WITH FORGETTING TO EAT bUT I'VE NEVER GONE bACK TO THAT bAD OF A STATE. I LOVED THE RECOVER POEM.
Wow thanks Eyes Chambers I am honoured to have someone here who has gone through this.I can relate to you as I too have times where I struggle myself.I think it is there inside for the rest of your life, with me I just manage it the best I can with watching what I eat and exercise.The best thing I did for myself is coming to terms with how I look, learning to love my body,so I dont feel the need to punish it nomore.
YES EXACTLY...AND THE HONOR IS ALL MINE...I LOVED READING THIS HUb. AND YES LEARNING TO LOVE ONES SELF CAN bE HARD RIGHT. I'VE HAD MANY PROb bUT NOW IN MY LIFE MORE THAN EVER I HAVE FELT GREAT. (: AND YES... GOD DOES EXERCISING HELP YOU WANT TO EAT MORE THAN ANYTHING AND HELP YOU STAY HEALTHY!!!
This is a powerful lens. I'm sure it will offer encouragement to others battling this same disease.
Eyes judging by your picture you are looking really fine. I really appreciate all your comments, I can relate to you so much.
Hi Mulberry1 thankyou so much for your words of encouragement. I really hope it will help someone.Even if it is just one person out there that it has helped then my work here will have not been in vain.
I really don't know what to say. Disturbing, yes that' the word, and judging by the fact so few men have commented, that's it, plus confusing and I am so glad you are now on the correct path girl. Congrats on your nomination for hubnuggets, good luck
Thanks C.C Writer well yes you are the first man to comment on this page. Anorexia is pretty hard alone even for women to understand so I appreciate you coming by. Believe it or not there is a much smaller proportion of the population of males who have anorexia, I guess we just dont seem to hear about it as often as we hear about women and young girls who have the disease.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOUR SUCH A SWEETHEART.
Hi Blondepoet - This is quite a powerful Hub and no wonder it was nominated. I am sad to read of the pain and glad that you have turned things around. I know the struggle all too well. Suffered from ED from age 14 to 23, all across the range. Blessings to you. Steph
Hello dear, That was a very moving hub. Anorexia has touched my life many sides, though it was never me, mother, sister, neice and friends. Mom will ultimately die of complications caused by hers, but she has lived a long time. If not for the ana, I think her column would not have caved in and it's much pain. Sister and neice got beyond it. Don't know about the friend.
Hi Steph, thanks heaps for your wonderful comments. It is amazing how many women end up with some form of ED in their lifetime.With skinny models, skinny Hollywood actresses continually thrown in our face,it is very easy for young girls to believe that is what they should look like.I am sorry to hear that you went though pretty much hell yourself, I hope you are ok now.You look fantastic anyway.
Hi hot dorkage,thankyou so much.It sounds like you have seen a lot of this in your family, I am sorry to hear that.I hope by my story it makes someone think twice, that it helps even one troubled soul.We as women really have it rough some times,I am so glad I am at the stage I am happy with myself now.Self-esteem is a major issue in these ED's
Hi blondepoet,
Congratulations for overcoming and writing about it. I would like to use your testimony on my Christian site if possible. The site is www.his-love.com. Please contact me at hisloveforus17@yahoo.com
Keep up the great work in fighting this truely evil disease that cause nothing but destruction in all the families that it touches.
Hi blondepoet,
Congratulations for overcoming and writing about it. I would like to use your testimony on my Christian site if possible. The site is www.his-love.com. Please contact me at hisloveforus17@yahoo.com
Keep up the great work in fighting this truely evil disease that cause nothing but destruction in all the families that it touches.
Thankyou so much John.Yes I will email you, I am honoured to be asked.
Hi Blondepoet! I came to your hub through the weekly HubNuggets. Congrats on being in there -- it's a great way to get a lot of people to know you and your work quickly.
This is an amazingly powerful story. You describe the deep dark hole of the disease so well. That disconnect between what you felt/saw and what your family saw is so real. I can see why you were uncomfortable on a psych ward, too.
Mostly, I'm so glad you got your disease under control. And has been said above, it's wonderful of you to share your experience and recovery through HP. Thank you. And God bless you. MM
Hi Mighty Mom I really appreciate your comments.It really lifted me up. Yea the psych ward was horrendous.Not once that I was in there did I talk to a doctor,counsellor, I was left totally on my own drugged to the hill, it wasnt a place to deal with my disease.In the end it was left up to me, and through my scare I took action.Yahooooo, our strength inside is more powerful than we think.I will never go back.I exercise,eat well and through that I look the best I ever have.Pople have to realise you will achieve miracles thorugh a little hard work and eating well, more than you ever will by walking down that path of destruction.
That was gripping, touching, heartbreaking - and yet, you came through to be this wonderful writer you are! I do hope this hub finds its way to helping many who might be on that downward spiralling path and give them the strength to stand up and say, Enough - I'm going to love myself just the way I am!
Loved the poem - yes, Let this madness end indeed!
Awww thankyou Shalini I have a huge smile on my dial.I am just so happy so many people enjoyed my story. This is the first time I have ever shared it.
You look fantastic too, by the way! A beautiful person with an even more beautiful soul. :)
Steph thanks heaps, I am just beaming at the moment.Thank goodness I am not wearing a hat lol.Your comments mean a lot thankyou.
blondepoet- First of all, I commend your courage, to keep going AND share your story. This is very moving. I want you to know I am so glad your alive! I know all too well that it can kill you. May your life be full- like you said in your poem- full of health and laughter. And some good friends to boot. (-:
I want to encourage you to keep sharing in any avenue you can- there needs to be a voice and a face to anorexia nervosa.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Glad you joined Hubpages!
Hi The Real Tomato thankyou so much for your comments here they really boosted me up and encouraged me.If I can be a voice anywhere to help even one person on the down-hill path I will without hesitation.My life is great now.We all have our ups and downs but there are far more highs now.Thanks so much again for stopping by
How sad , Anorexia is such a terrible thing as I had a friend who went through it and I could not wish that upon anybody.
Thank you so much whiteorchids, I would not wish this on anyone either.Hopefully my story may help someone who may be heading that way or is battling this disease.
OMG! How you survived your ordeal is an amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks a million RKHenry great to have you as my fan and vice versa x0x
girl, if I dont stop reading your hubs and go to bed I am going to cry all night. But u know, I needed this, I needed to cry I needed to know that I was not the only one. You cant even begin to explain it, anorexia hit home for me in a big way, I am sorry your mother was not there for you, if it wasn't for mine, I would be dead. You shall reap the rewards for the seeds you are sowing. Bless you for you willingness to help others with no selfishness, you are so open. I hide from it all, write about things nobody cares about, I can't get this deep about myself,if I do I may just find out who i am and I might not like it.
dori
Hi fortunerep awww please don't cry. I am so happy though that you related to my story in many ways. Lol yes I am a bit like an open book, I guess from supressing everything in my childhood it feels so good to now be able to share with you guys. Have a super cool day.(hugs)xox
Just stopped by to say Hi :)
Hey Shalini aww you are so sweet. A big Hi back.......I love little gestures like that, I got a big smile on my dial now LMAO.x0
are you single ?
Hi someone you know. How are you going this morning? Lol I will email you later on. If I say here the I may get hit by the Russian army ROFL.
Well, this is Hub is extraordinary - the way you wrote it, the experience you shared.
We are all glad and proud you are here with us.
Thanks so much Tatjana, I am very proud to be here with you guys too, you are all just like my family. :)
thank you for sharing, you showed me that you can win!
It is especially important to me as I starting my recovery now........
Thank-you so much beginner for coming by. Are you also a victim of Anorexia, by what you said has caused me to worry.
in order to come out you must go through, your strength is a light to others.thx 4 sharing this with us.
Thanks so much loveofnight it was a pleasure. :)
BP - Thanks for being so open about such a difficult subject. Whay a blessing you sharing this online is to others - well done!
It was a pleasure Rik to share my story with you guys. I always hope by being so open my story may help some-one else. Thanks a million for stopping by. xo
This should help inspire others to seek help. An awesome hub
Thanks so much ethel I really hope so. :)
Thankyou for being courageous to share your story
It was my pleasure Bailey. I hope it has helped someone with this disease. :)
Too many young girls do not realise just how dangerous anorexia is, and how many people it kills. Hopefully this Hub will help some people who are on the slippery slope to be able to get a better perspective and start eating more again
Hey there Hypno I really really hope so. Oh god I would not wish this disease upon anyone. Such a deadly disease and for what? Thanks so much for coming by loved your comment heaps.
Your story is touching and will help many. I was at a loss for words after I read this hub. You really touched me deep inside. Teresa
This is an incredible story. Girls who suffer of eating disorder have to be helped an understood. I know your story will help many teenage girls accept their body the way it is and not believe that being slim is the best choice for their lives.
Hi Teresa thank you for your inspiring comment. I dearly hope this will help other too who are on the wrong path.
Hi Passion I really appreciate your kind words, I am so glad you took the time out to give my story a read. :)
Awesome story...tragic, yet quite inspriational. Sadly, diseases such as annorexia and bulemia are way more prevelant and more serious than most would think. Isn't it interesting that the advent of the mirror, could spawn such self destruction? For you, I am glad to hear that you found the road to freedom. Stay focused on the positive, stay focused on making a difference such as you are....and remember your awesomeness is something this world needs.
Aww Brutus what a beautiful comment thanks soooo much. Yep it still is not as much out in the open as so many other diseases. I will always stay positive and happy I promise. There is no going back xoxox
Great and interesting ..Thanks
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Anorexics on Anorexia, , Good Book
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KCC Big Country Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
OMG.....what an incredible story! *big hugs* You have the potential of helping so many young women (and men) with this story! I saw an English documentary about how prevalent this is in young boys as well. The boys, of course, don't have the media pressure that girls do. You are very brave and to be admired for you courage to write this story. Well done.